It was a good holiday. Time spent with friends and family warmed my heart, much needed. Some of the time was spent on the phone with those who are far away. And now the tree is down, decorations are wrapped and stored away. And the business of life continues, without the twinkle lights. But I like this time, I like seeing my house become simpler, with less stuff in it to distract me. It makes me feel like my mind has also had a tidying up. I’m going toward the New Year with less noise and less distraction. Maybe that’s the point of a break, you can see where your standing and appreciate it. I still miss the twinkle lights.
The First Time
The first time for anything is hard. I remember my first bike ride, I’ve never gotten much better at it. My first time hiking with a group in the Olympic National Forest, beautiful, but I spent a lot of time looking for bears and trying not to fall off old logs. My first kiss was easier, I had a partner that knew what to do. My first airplane ride was full of panic and fear, I exited the plane on shaky legs and lots of sweat. My first time driving a car with a clutch I lived in San Francisco, I did fine, the guy behind me was a bit fearful when I rested my car on his bumper so I could shift on a hill. My first-time public speaking I couldn’t find my voice and spent the entire time wanting to pee. I’m having some of those feelings trying to write my first blog, not sure why that is….but now I have to pee.
Meeting an old friend
I haven’t been writing for quite a while. I miss it, but I’m stuck on being lazy about it. And it’s not just lazy about writing I’m also lazy about reading. Two things that I love. It’s left a little break in my heart. So as I wave hello to 2024, I will be greeting it with a bit more intention. We so easily lose ourselves when we don’t pay attention.
If we have no peace
“If we have no peace, it’s because we have forgotten that we belong to each other.” Mother Teresa
When I first read these words I knew in my heart the truth of them. I could feel them crawl thru me answering the questions. Why aren’t we happy? Why is the world fighting? When will all this crazy stop? If we remember that we belong to each other then how could we hurt our neighbors child or wife or each other. We belong to each other.
Our world is full of anger,resentment and division…what can we do?
I love facebook, I’ve reconnected with friends from years ago. And I enjoy seeing them with their children and grandkids. Yes, I love the cat pictures and believe people post them just for my pleasure. But election process has turned some people into people I wouldn’t recognize. I see people unfriending and spewing hateful things. Are we back in high school? It’s become so uncomfortable for me I was questioning why I bother. Then one day I wrote to a woman I barely know, who was ugly to me. And I asked her, “can we just agree to disagree and continue to be nice to each other”? She responded nicely. and we’ve never had another incident. I do believe how we live day to day speaks to people and can help people to become better. My goal is to not accept bad behavior or allow it into my life. And to work on myself to find more kindness, more behavior my children would be proud of. I want to be the woman my dog thinks I am. (stolen quote)
Thankful
I have so much to be thankful for. I’ve raised three kids and thankfully like the adults they’ve become, I’d be friends with each of them. I’m also pleased they are so different than each other, but I can see how they love each other. I’m thankful for the friends in my life, the ones who’ve stuck around for 10, 20, 30 or 40 years. They’ve seen the worst of me. They’ve held me during the ugly crying and shared wine and laughs thru the good times. I’m thankful that I’ve always found a place for an animal to live with me. As they shed there way thru my life, they’ve also helped my sad times become more bearable. I’m thankful for my move to Phoenix, learning to live in the desert. There’s so much beauty in desert living, mixed with the occasional moments of hair-raising fear.
“Hope is not finding a way out…hope is finding a way thru”. Robert Frost
And hope comes to me gradually. In small steps, as if too much hope might upset my world. The hope of good strong health is utmost. I’ve gone thru years where my health was not great. Now I walk without getting tired. I plant my garden, ride a bike at the gym, clean and polish my small home, and I still have energy. I hope for my children to have love in their lives. Long lasting, worth fighting for love. I hope for another dog to walk into my life and find a soft blanket to curl up on. One eye on me and one eye on the food dish. I hope for more travel and adventure. Maybe a trip back to Russia or France, I like waking up in a foreign country where I can’t speak the language but still find a way to visit. Hope to me looks like prayers, hope of a good day tomorrow and an end to the worst presidential election I’ve ever been this unfortunate to witness.
I See
I see a small baby in my arms, large eyes looking at the world. I see a little boy climbing into bed for a morning cuddle. I see a little guy following his brother around to play, or playing dolls with his sister. I see kindness, it’s the word I’d give my son. I see a young man growing into himself, traveling, acting, and learning to live in his own life. At first he gets a cat! And the world of adults tries to catch up with him. We hear a lot about “No body”. Then we start hearing about ” Beth Ann”, she discovered Christopher. It’s as if she had the only eyes that could see him, the only heart that could blend in love with him. And I see again the baby with large eyes, the little boy looking for extra love…but now he follows Beth Ann and he looks full of love for his future with a wonderful woman. Be kind to each other, be gentle. Grow old holding hands and sharing cats.
Sleep
It use to be so simple. I’d stay up late, then off to bed and off to sleep. I don’t remember dreaming as much as I do now. I almost fear my sleep, fear the letting go. Fear the unknown. So I’ve built routines around my sleep. Watch an hour or more of light TV, an old comedy show. Get comfortable. Then on to my pod cast. The problem is when the pod cast is good I can’t stop listening and I’m now still awake an hour or two more. I know the reasons I need to stop this behavior, but I’m addicted to it. Like my coffee in the morning. Plus I don’t like to hear my inner voice, she’s too loud and bossy. Plus she can scare me, or make me sad.
Travel
I love my trips. Seeing new places, visiting with people who speak a different language, eat different foods, and see the world thru new eyes. I’ve learned what it is I love about travel, it’s not about buying gifts at the gift stores, every city seems to have them…admittedly most everything is made in China. But give me an outdoor coffee shop with lots of people to watch and I’m my most happy. Let me walk down a cozy street lined with trees and the occasional singing of a bird. A walk thru a church, any church, gives me peace. I’m reminded of my last trip to London to meet my friend Merne. We walked and talked for days. The only shopping we did was in the second-hand shops and I bought a knitted red scarf, it fills me with sweet memories and time well spent.
Stardust
I’ve heard it said we are all a part of stardust. I love the image, and the idea that I’m somehow connected to Mars, Pluto and the Moon. Bring on the dust. Makes me a little concerned when I dust my house and go outside and shake the dust cloth…was that some stardust or just dirt from the desert. But the image of a sprinkling of stardust makes me want to dance outside under the moon or howl with the Coyotes late in the night. Makes me want to belong to all the wonderful wildness of the world. To open my eyes and ears and listen to where a piece of me might belong. If I have a sprinkling of stardust on me maybe I can become anything I dream of or want to become.
The first time for anything is hard. I remember my first bike ride, I’ve never gotten much better at it. My first time hiking with a group in the Olympic National Forest, beautiful, but I spent a lot of time looking for bears and trying not to fall off old logs. My first kiss was easier, I had a partner that knew what to do. My first airplane ride was full of panic and fear, I exited the plane on shaky legs and lots of sweat. My first time driving a car with a clutch I lived in San Francisco, I did fine, the guy behind me was a bit fearful when I rested my car on his bumper so I could shift on a hill. My first-time public speaking I couldn’t find my voice and spent the entire time wanting to pee. I’m having some of those feelings trying to write my first blog, not sure why that is….but now I have to pee.
Moments 